


i dont want to die,

by pderdy



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Gore, Other, Violence, Vomiting, its makoami but only like a few lines in the end so, noncon, not in great detail tho thank god, starring: a lot of villains, the most cursed fic in the ami tag: v2, trigger warnings out the ass... behold:, v1 was just outright schizo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 15:34:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16140239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pderdy/pseuds/pderdy
Summary: i have too much to lose.





	i dont want to die,

**Author's Note:**

> and when you've hit rock bottom, you'll do anything... anything, anything other than die.

abducted after class. no preventing it; she should’ve been more confident in herself because she saw it coming, but she couldn't have been. it was just an inkling.

it's dark. there are chains on her wrists, and the walls are dusty. a crack of light exploded from the door and an entourage of youma poured in. the dark kingdom?

a youma with large clawed paws took a swipe at her. she grinned through the blood; she'll just grow her face and eye back. tethis entered the stone hewn cell.

 

"this will continue until you give us what we want."

"the silver crystal? you've got the wrong gal..."

"no, the wisdom crystal. knowledge is power, as i'm sure you know."

"that's wrong... wisdom is not knowledge."

"for our purposes it's one and the same."

"then you're wasting your time..."

 

"we have all the time in the world."

 

she easily called the bluff. "do you really?"

 

"yes, of co--"

"you're the one who did the water illusion of the cheesy romance-y cruise ship, right?"

"what do you-- you have guts, interrupting me!"

 

thetis lashed at her with a length of water, it wrapped around her throat and squeezed. she mouthed, _fool_ , and froze it solid very easily.

the ice spread quickly; in a blink of her eye, thetis had frozen solid completely. she then told the ice to shatter, and it did.

having been watching the commotion, beryl strode up to her and cracked her jaw with the top of the gnarled staff.

 

stars, beautiful stars in blue, purple, and green, then pain. pain pain pain. something salty fell out of her mouth... a molar.

"so we don't have time, but neither do you. why not make it easy for the both of us?"

"maybe i'll give you a bit, then: nothing's ever easy on this bitch of an earth."

 

beryl snarled, teeth bared in rage. with a gesture, another youma stepped forward to pull her head up by the hair.

"drink." beryl poured some sort of bitter slop down her throat. she struggled and coughed, but all it took was one mouthful. they stopped.

she groaned. she couldn't throw it up, it was as if the slop had legs and forced itself further down. beryl laughed.

 

she spat some of her blood at beryl. it crystallized midair and shot straight through beryl's forehead. beryl crumbled into a pile of dust.

 

~ + ~

 

the slop is a poison that makes her want to die. shadows crawl at the edges of her sight.

they can't kill her, though. otherwise, they wouldn't go this far... is that belthier?

she's cold. a fever dream? they haven't let her have anything to drink... no, there's mist from belthier's breath.

 

"not in a condition for a rematch, are you?"

"try me."

"it just wouldn't be fair."

 

colder. belthier smiled, but it turned to a frown when she started laughing.

 

"you've lost your mind, i see."

"no, really. show me what you've got."

even colder. she could feel slight frost under her nose... not enough. "heh. that can't be all..."

 

belthier's eyes narrowed. "... you're planning something."

"that's smart, coming from you."

"oh, and you're such a genius! why don't you enlighten us all, then?"

 

it won't get any colder than this. that is, if she doesn't do anything about it...

 

"well, you're not belthier, for one."

 

since belthier's likeness already did most of the work, all she had to do was make it colder, colder than the clay doll can take.

it expanded and shattered. she shivered, her own power hatefully clawing its way into her bones. she willed it away, but it lingered.

she curled up as much as she could, and only looked up when saphir strode up to her, and made her look up with a hand cupping her barely healed cheeks.

 

"why's it so cold in here? how strong are you, really?"

"as strong as i need to be."

"strong enough for this, then?"

 

ah, a droid of sailor jupiter. impressive likeness. won't fool her, though it still vexed her all the same when saphir's free arm wrapped around the droid's waist.

she wants to kill saphir dead, but she can't. or can she... _hmm..._

she grinned. the grin reached her eyes.

 

"disgusting. but, i mean, you have blue hair too. go on then, i wanna watch."

"now that... is the most disgusting thing i've ever heard. since you asked for it though..."

grinning in pleasure, saphir's hands went towards the droid. some drool slipped out of the grin.

 

"fool." the moment she saw it, it sliced through saphir's tongue and out the neck.

 

~ + ~

 

the cold still lingered... ah, stone, and none of these clay dolls held their own heat.

she has no more strength to even shiver, and no calories left to burn. she's starving.

the sequence was predictable. in a lapse of focus, viluy had appeared before her.

 

"long time no see... lost some weight, i see. it looks good on you."

 

how long has she been here? viluy's eyes scanned her pallid, emaciated, nude body. she has no more room left in mind for shame.

 

"they've got you. what do they need me for?"

"now, now. you give me too much credit, but you're right; i'm not telling you."

she rolled her eyes. "then go away. bet it's something stupid anyways."

 

"rude."

"like... knowledge on how to harness the silver crystals power to rule the world kind of stupid..."

"see? it's unsurprising that the bearer of wisdom would know."

 

"i'm right? really? man... that's the dumbest thing i ever--"

 

viluy had reached for her throat, nails jabbing into her jugulars. a swarm of very, very tiny things crawled into her and started to spread.

the hand is removed. the wounds closed before she could bleed, and she felt her chest tighten.

she coughed. dry. her heart's failing.

 

"if you won't give it up, just shut up and suffer. okay?"

 

she wheezed for air. viluy turned to leave, but the excruciating pain had made her cry a single tear, and it was all she needed.

another heap of clay on the floor. another clay doll here to torture her, in professor tomoe's image.

breathing felt easier now, but her own pulse couldn't distract her from the silence anymore. the professor simply stood and examined her.

 

"are you gonna just ogle, you creepy asshole of a man?"

the professor grinned. "you're just the right size for the parts i had made for when hotaru grows taller."

"and they say i've gone insane..."

 

the professor pulled a marker out of a coat pocket. what's he gonna do with... _oh._ to make marks all over her body, where to cut and such.

… and his hands... ugh, that's just _sick_ \--

there's a bit of water in the little bit that she threw up into her mouth. it was enough.

 

~ + ~

 

they left her alone this time. for… a while. her sense of time had died a few days ago. she could've passed out for weeks at a time for all she knows.

just her thoughts to accompany her. she could barely hear her own heart in her ears, _thanks, viluy. bitch_ … sometimes her left ear would ring, and she'd enjoy the variety.

sometimes, she wished they'd send more clay dolls to torture her. it's interaction… and, after some getting used to, the pain isn't bad… and sometimes… it's… …

 

 _oh, man._ at this rate, belthier will be right.

 

she looked sadly at the heaps of clay around her. if they lasted longer and suffered they would've been more entertaining… do they even feel pain?

 

~ + ~

 

thinking is getting tiring. all she's been doing is repeatedly chew on old information.

 

who's next? one of the amazonesses? oh... finally. … did tiger's eye just smugly summon a drink in one hand? too easy… but… c'mon… come closer…

drivel, drivel out of the tiger's mouth. so foolish… of course, it's just a tiger. _closer… yes…--_

tiger's eye managed to lash the whip at her before crumbling to a pile. the tip of it dug into her hip joint.

the glass crashed onto the ground.

she greedily siphoned the drink into her mouth. it burned and stung all the way down, and made her head heavy.

she regretted it.

 

nodding off, the next thing she saw was nehelenia on a throne, inside of a mirror before her. she could barely see her own reflection.

 

"my, my. what would they think when they see you like this?"

"usagi would offer the silver crystal in exchange for me, then they'll all die one by one, until usagi finds it in her to defeat you all."

"that would've been correct some other time. now, you're out of tricks..."

"well. what are you going to do to me? you're the most hateful of them. but usagi could still see the light in you..."

"she really did try, didn't she? would you say she made a mistake?"

"she only failed by not succeeding..."

 

nehelenia sighed. "it seems we won't get anywhere like this."

 

"yeah. you're boring me to death. bring me a better jester."

"oh, such big words from a frail little girl."

"if you won't kill me, then strip for me. it's very drole in here."

 

the void inside the mirror turned into shades of red. she grinned. her chapped lips split open, but failed to bleed… that's fine.

"such insolence--"

"c'mon, those big titties better be real."

 

absolutely enraged, nehellenia shrieked. the shrill scream shattered the mirror. the shards flew everywhere.

some of them went her way. smaller ones all over her skin, and larger ones in her muscles; some even made it between her ribs, and a handful had tore into her stomach.

she couldn't bleed much. she has little left to give. all but one thing...

 

~ + ~

 

they waited until her blood had all dried. smart...

she's at the end of her rope, though. they just might succeed... but… she could feel a tug of the red strings… …?

… neptune… ?

 

"ami-chan. i'm sorry we have to meet like this."

… … wait. _who?_

"ami-chan?"

 

michiru waved a hand in front of her face. she blinked, responsive, but…

"who?" she whispered, terse and quiet; one of her lungs had collapsed.

"... … nevermind that for now, here, quickly…"

 

michiru showed her the deep aqua mirror - ah, the others are on their way. she nodded. michiru nodded back, showing her a bracelet on the wrist.

"i'm sorry."

a gesture towards the approaching golden light. _dirty gold_ , she squinted at it. michiru slapped her with the back of the hand, hard - it made a resounding _crack_ against her cheekbone - and she went slack.

 

then, michiru scowled and walked away... galaxia made the room bright by mere presence. the gilded plates must shine, after all.

 _super gaudy_. unfortunately, she couldn't find her voice to air her thoughts.

she found some relief in the fact that she's gone numb.

 

"impressive that you've lasted this far. if only you'd acquiesce and join me... it would be grand."

 

she rolled her eyes in defiance. it was all she could manage to do.

"you're really testing my patience!"

she winced at galaxia's raised voice, as if it weren't loud enough already.

 

dirty lightning spewed out of galaxia's bracelets. they filled her, forcing her nerves back to life. she couldn't even scream.

even when it stopped, it felt like there were worms under her skin, up and down her spine. her sight went dark, and she couldn't breathe.

galaxia's words failed to register to her. is this it? she's very tired. how the fuck is she still hanging on?

 

her sight and her hearing returned. "... … w? how the fuck are you still hanging on?!"

 

at wit's end, galaxia teleported away. the senshi took the opportunity and teleported in.

they rushed towards her.

the relief dispelled the adrenaline keeping her awake.

 

~ + ~

 

she opened her eyes and it was bright. warm. so, so clean. too bright... did she die? who are they calling for?

"who's ami?" that made some of them start crying. _why?_ it's heaven. "don't cry..."

did they all fail in the end? everyone's here. her mother, too... putting something into her iv. huh… where's makoto? good, that means...

 

  1. makoto walked in with porridge.



she frowned, disappointed. then, starting to feel the pain return (and understanding why mom had put the painkillers in), she smiled. _not heaven… good._

makoto looked sheepish and confused at that reaction from her.

 

the porridge wasn't hot. good, she didn't want to burn her tongue. "this is your best one thus far."

"aww, shucks..."

makoto offered her water. it was cool. "thanks."

 

she's deadly parched. her throat soaked up the water like an arid pile of papers. she downed the whole glass so quickly that she choked.

 

it was just what she needed to finally throw up... black. she had vomited black, black and writhing.

gasps and groans of disgust. a scream. "mars snake fi--" "no!!! do not!!!!!!"

"starlight therapy kiss!"

 

her head started clearing up.

 

~ + ~

 

"i'm home, and… that's it. it was as if all of it never happened."

"but, it did… at least you have some scars still?"

"yeah, but. i mean, with how… i'm fine now. it doesn't make any sense."

"how so?"

"it only took just a few days, and i'm good as new. … almost, i guess."

"senshi healing, huh…"

 

ami sidled closer to mako. "i wish it worked for the mind too."

"oh…"

"i feel empty when i'm not with you."

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> some very personal shit in here... ive struggled w many illnesses mental and physical most of my life n recently finished therapy n i need to process it...
> 
> if you read all of this, well, holy shit... kudos to you!!! now shoo... there are other better gayer fics in my profile... id love if ud tell me what u think of my fics!!!


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